waar die blare antwoord gee

...the magician...

2006-10-18T08:31:00.000+13:00

He yields his cards -
knives to my power of Reason.
Death-knell shuffle:
fifty-two
opportunities to explode my preconceived ideas.
Fluidity and speed:
one.one.one.
by one.
a flutter of the deck before my eyes.
i saw them all.
undeniably so.
choosing only one.
I held it aloft in visu.

Packing the deck
tight like a noose:
then fanning them out,
the executioner's skill.
pick
just one.
((the wrong one)).
Yet... He gestured that I look again.
in mine own hands
I watched the card turn its masks around.
He took my eyes and kissed their ignorant bliss.
He showed me behind the matrix.
The wrong card and the right card
are figments of the imagination.
No. no longer a Jack of Spades.
A Six of Hearts it had become.

Some girls want diamonds.
Some girls want flowers.
Some girls want six hearts nailed to six crosses.

All I want is my magician.
He has no heart to give to me.
He cannot be nailed down to the cross that I bear.

Reason tells me:
even He is like the Jack of Spades.

2 days - 2 days

2006-10-12T19:33:00.000+13:00

the hen's night passed without much injury nor debauchery.
body shots off half-naked barmen are not included in the above claim.
the dresses are ready.
the guests are arriving in droves.
Flowers, confetti, the little things.
The weather report is peachy.
And in 2 days I will have a big sister.

- my ringo site is getting there - no more photos on the blog - the era has passed -

catch ya next week - I'm on my way to a wedding...

The Universe uses Postnet

2006-10-06T20:53:00.000+13:00

for some reason my blog bombed out - i've had to republish it and i've lost all my links. If you were linked on this site then can you post me a comment with your url please?

8 days til the wedding!
I found Lee again. But of course.
And I've discovered Vanilla flavoured water.
Life as such, keeps bringing new delightful meanings to light.
I'm in the process of setting up a Ringo page. To add me as a friend you have to search for my me via email (lau.armstrong@gmail.com). There are some old photos up there and I'll eventually get there. Patience!

xx

the politics of fear & "gee i like to think of dead"

2006-10-01T07:18:00.001+13:00

I just sat down and wrote something so overwhelmingly sad that I brought myself to tears.
This is why I'm so afraid of writing on this blog anymore.
Because I cannot hide from what's really going on inside.

It's my year and 2 weeks since failed suicide 'anniversary'.
I still don't really see the point.
Yes - there's love and friendship and all of that.
It matters so much. It matters, perhaps too much?
And I'm so scared that everything I love will break.
How cliched is that sentiment.
Oh well.
How else can it be said...
These are the politics of fear governing my mind.

"Look up, and you see things flying
Between the day and the night;
Swallows with spools of dark thread sewing the shadows together.

A circle swoop, and a quick parabola under the bridge arches
Where light pushes through;
A sudden turning upon itself of a thing in the air.
A dip to the water.

And you think:
"The swallows are flying so late!"

Swallows?

Dark air-life looping
Yet missing the pure loop ...
A twitch, a twitter, an elastic shudder in flight
And serrated wings against the sky,
Like a glove, a black glove thrown up at the light,
And falling back.

Never swallows!
Bats!
The swallows are gone"

from - Bat, by D.H. Lawrence.

I can find no better way to convey this sense that the sweeping grace of the swallows are gone.
Is it time to fly for a while in the night again?
Time to throw this black glove into the air in defiance of the misery and wait to see if I have wings or if I fall.
Like a challenge to a duel in a Shakespearean Tragedy.
Laura vs. Gravity

gee i like to think of dead...

gee i like to think of dead it means nearer because deeper firmer
since darker than little round water at one end of the well it's
too cool to be crooked and it's too firm to be hard but it's sharp
and thick and it loves, every old thing falls in rosebugs and
jackknives and kittens and pennies they all sit there looking at
each other having the fastest time because they've never met before

dead's more even than how many ways of sitting on your head your
unnatural hair has in the morning

dead's clever too like POF goes the alarm off and the little striker
having the best time tickling away everybody's brain so everybody
just puts out their finger and they stuff the poor thing all full
of fingers

dead has a smile like the nicest man you've never met who maybe winks
at you in a streetcar and you pretend you don't but really you do
see and you are My how glad he winked and hope he'll do it again

or if it talks about you somewhere behind your back it makes your neck
feel pleasant and stoopid and if dead says may i have this one and
was never introduced you say Yes because you know you want it to dance
with you and it wants to and it can dance and Whocares

dead's fine like hands do you see that water flowerpots in windows but
they live higher in their house than you so that's all you see but you
don't want to

dead's happy like the way underclothes All so differently solemn and
inti and sitting on one string

dead never says my dear,Time for your musiclesson and you like music and
to have somebody play who can but you know you never can and why have to?

dead's nice like a dance where you danced simple hours and you take all
your prickly-clothes off and squeeze-into-largeness without one word and
you lie still as anything in largeness and this largeness begins to give
you,the dance all over again and you,feel all again all over the way men
you liked made you feel when they touched you(but that's not all)because
largeness tells you so you can feel what you made,men feel when,you touched,
them

dead's sorry like a thistlefluff-thing which goes landing away all by
himself on somebody's roof or something where who-ever-heard-of-growing
and nobody expects you to anyway

dead says come with me he says(andwhyevernot)into the round well and
see the kitten and the penny and the jackknife and the rosebug
and you
say Sure you say (like that) sure i'll come with you you say for i
like kittens i do and jackknives i do and pennies i do and rosebugs i do

e.e. cummings

I wish I didn't love these poems.
But I do.

in a middle of a room...

in a middle of a room
stands a suicide
sniffing a Paper rose
smiling to a self

"somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can't imagine real flowers for if I

could,they would somehow
not Be real"
(so he smiles
smiling)"but I will not

everywhere be real to
you in a moment"
The is blond
with small hands

"& everything is easier
than I had guessed everything would
be;even remembering the way who
looked at whom first,anyhow dancing"

(a moon swims out of a cloud
a clock strikes midnight
a finger pulls a trigger
a bird flies into a mirror)

e.e. cummings

in south africa and "hug a vegetarian day"

2006-09-26T23:19:00.001+12:00

its been a ridiculously long time. sorry for the overwhelming slackness...
i'm in cape town now!
finally.

its sunny and gorgeous outside and i'm staying in Nick's house where the pool is calling my name flirtatiously.
so i'll be quite vague and brief.

I left london on 9/11. the airport was quite quiet... humph. But it still took me 3 hours to get checked in and through security. i was quite glad to see Heathrow disappearing behind the plane.
my last week in london saw me frantically trying to stuff in galleries, museums, parks etc etc. I feel like I had a successful time ticking off the names of artists, famous places and so forth. I think I left london feeling like i had conquered the cultural offerings of the city.
what made my time worthwhile was being with people i love - so Rachel, Mieke and Ross made a place like London (me pulling a lemon face) a good place to visit.

Now then. whirlwind arrial in south africa - went straight to the farm and its looking so amazing. It was wonderful to be iwth my family again and getting very excited about the imminent wedding.
I had my first dress fitting and the design is really great. I'm a bit of tricky bridesmaid to have because of the tattoos and especially since now i have half a sleeve finished... All of Erica's plans and designs are so pretty - and I must admit, all this wedding stuff is quite cool. Not long now...

I have spent the last 12 days in Johannesburg with Mike. Mike took me away for a few days which was really relaxing, even though the small town we were in got to us after the 3rd night of eating the same pizza (without cheese) from the only decent restaurant we could find. Its been 5 years since I really visited the city and its changed a great deal. I saw all the houses I used to live in and caught up wih school friends. I got to stay with Oliver and Candy and look forward to being back up there in October again.

So - now I'm in the beautiful Cape and I'll be staying with Nick mainly - they have a spare room available so I'm a lucky lucky girl.

basically - I'm well and happy and want to be outside in the sun.
i do have lots of philosophical things to say - but that can wait...
xx lau

International 'Hug a Vegetarian' Day Friday September 29
From PETA: No matter what your diet may be, you have to admit that vegetarians are pretty darn huggable, and with more than 20 million vegetarians in the world, chances are pretty good that everyone knows a few. On September 29, we're going to set up the largest worldwide group hug of vegetarians ever-and we need your help to make it happen!

Whether you've been vegetarian since birth or you still eat meat, mark your calendar for Friday, September 29, to hug your vegetarian boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, brother, or sister, then sign up to tell us who you're going to embrace on "Hug a Vegetarian" Day. We're going for a world record here, people, so be sure to hug every last vegetarian you can find!

la vida london

2006-09-03T01:40:00.000+12:00

i haven't been too good at blogging so I'm just gonna post my last 2 group emails. finally got my photos burnt to disk but this net cafe don't have cd thingymajigs, so I'll try upload some next week. xxlau
_____________________________
25th August
What's been happening in the UK?
Devon was so awesome - one day at the beach was an absolute pearl and i even got rosy cheeks in the sunshine :). Antique shops, wanderinga round beautiful cobbled-street villages and peeking into gorgeous book stores, candy shops etc etc... Quaint is the New Black - it's totally 'In'.... Compared to the consumerist madness of Oxford Street and other places in London which just make me feel quite ill.
I caught a cold (or rather a cold caught me) - blugh. not fun. Having a sniffly cold and a nose ring is a general combination for disasters... The things I do to be cool - ha ha... whatever aye...
But dragged myself out to a Connan and the Mockasins gig on saturday where I saw their new video for 'uuu its teasy' - which won a little competition that night and is going to be on MTV. Cool hey? It was really good to see and hear Ross play again. Wicked hey???
On sunday I found one of my favourite places in London: the Columbia Flower market. It was exquisite. Stall upon stall overflowing with exotic, bright, luscious flowers and trees... Ah. So inspiring for my soul. Went to the Tate Modern and some other galleries - very cool.
Monday? Oh yes - the Marvellous, Magical Mieke came to visit me from Southampton. She stayed with me for 2 days and we've been having such a great time. Man - I've missed her so much, but I'm so grateful for friendships that rock the world no matter how long we've been apart.
We spent the day with Ross yesterday cuz it was his birfday and it was lots and lots of fun. I punched him for you Nat and told him to go to hell Geoff ;)
Now I'm in southhampton with Mieke (may I just interject at this point to marvel at public transport and how easy it is to get around...) and I'll be travelling with her until end of next week.
Going to Isle of Wight, Bath, Stratford on Avon and somewhere else I can't remember. Tour of England continues. yay for Shakepspeare.
My sad news is.... no radiohead.... its true. bummer. yeah. i'm really feeling the sorrow.

have many many photos just haven't downloaded any. Sorry caz and other people requesting visuals - it will happen eventually.
k- love from hungry-rumbling-tummy-wants-dinner lau

Ok - its friday now, I wrote that on wednesday but didn't get to send it.
I'm in the southhampton art gallery with free internet - yay - suppose I should also look at some art while I'm here.
Meeks and I went out into the country yesterday and looked at castles and abbeys and forests. The area is called New Forest and it was full of trees - gasp! Yes!!! Lots and lots and lots of Trees! I was obviously very very happy there. I bought heaps of postcards of these amazing trees, so expect some treeness arriving in mailboxes...
Off to london in a few hours.
Who knows when we shall meet again???

:) Lulu
______________________________________

1st September
this is going to be another hastily composed mail. bad spelling to make it authentic ;)

well - i got back to london yesterday after a whirlwind tour of the isle of wight, stratford on avon & bath.
Went away with the gorgeous Mieke and we had many giggles, lots of fun putting on BroTown accents, and some good girlie chats (as one does...)

Isle of Wight
After a beautiful ferry trip, we landed on this gorgeous little island south of Britain. apparently the population here is 60% above 60+ years (and, its true, i just googled it). so its a lovely, quaint little place with lost of clucking on ladies. We were staying in an amazing camping ground right by the sea - the sound of teh ocean was really good for my spirit. I had a good smile at the warning signs along the roads for "ELDERY" which depicted a tiny old man and his tiny old wife bent over walking sticks - how unPC yet adorable... I imagined gangs of old folks terrorising the villages... Don't think that's why the signs are there tho. The highlight of this tris was the 8 mile walk mieke and i did along the cliff edge - this path is on average about 2 metres from the edge and follows the contours and hills of beautful white stone dropping into the dark waters. It was absolutely breathtaking... Other good stuff included drinking cherry wine, exploring the cobbled villages and chatting to the dangerous species of dithering elderies on the buses (they are very friendly even though the signs tell me to be cautious of them...)

Stratford on Avon
I would have liked to spend a few days here - it was really cool. The Courtyard Theatre of the Royal Shapespeare Comapny has just been reopened and it is stunning. A stage unlike anything I've ever seen before. We saw Henry VI, Part III - and I had chills the entire performance. It was incredible - aerial scenes on ropes, the sound, the blood and the fighting scenes- wowsers. I'm really envious that English people have access to this level of theatre - but can't complain, lucky them. I'd see myself making many trips to stratford if I lived here. Other highlights included eating mulberries in Shakespeare's house garden, wandering along the avon river, and negotiating the skanky showers of the youth hostel (it was tricksy!!!)

Bath
Now - bath is quite magnificent architecturally. We had a very short time here, sadly. But I managed to see the Abbey, the river and its famous bridge, the Roman baths, and surprisingly a Rembrandt exhibition (awesome!!!!). Oh. And drink hemp beer and eat in a gourmet veggie restaurant. yum... Hemp beer... mmmm....

So now I'm back in london - leaving in 10 days.
Went to the Victoria and Albert Museum today, explored soho and now I'm in Notting Hill.
Busy busy busy me.
The Datsuns are playing tonight (for my fellow kiwis)
and I missed the Springbok Nude Girls last night - doing an acoustic set. Oh my gOsh - I only found out today and I almost cried. The last time I saw Arno & the Boys was in Cape Town maybe 4 years ago - playing at Cool Runnings in Obs. Happy memories with Mark - it would have been so amazing to see them - I'm so gutted... At least I saw Arno playing earlier this year - so many good memeories of my beautiful friends back home go along with this band....
oh well.... I'm having bum luck with bands on this trip.

What's up until I leave - who knows. OD'ing on galleries, visiting Mieke in Southhampton again and whatever London throws my way....

oh oh - times running out.
much love to you all....
Lauralu

delightful devon

2006-08-17T06:44:00.000+12:00

wow. i don't wanna leave here on friday!
the english country is really wonderful & i've been surprised at how attached I feel to it. London is funky and all that jazz - but it is just another city. And I was so refreshed to step into the country atmosphere and feel Devon alight upon my senses.
I'm staying in Brampford Speke, a little village, with Rachel's family and a happyhappy little labrador (awesome!). My friends will know that I tend to adopt other people's pets very quickly because I miss having animals... Their stunning home has a conservatory overlooking a sprawling garden orchard (complete with tennis court and giant trampoline...). So I can pick apples off the tree and eat them whilst doing amateur backflips - this is a tricksy manoeuvre i tell you! I feel like I landed in a perfect country getaway and I'm feeling thoroughly spoilt.

My time herehas been spent mainly outdoors, which of course is how I wish my life was permanently. We went walking on public paths through neighbouring farms in the hills. I really enjoyed this - I think that the right to roam land in England is a really great thing. The beauty of the land here is a very tranquil, soft aesthetic... I remember being stunned by the views in Austria and Tuscany and there is a similar patchwork quilt of yellows, greens and browns, dotted with sheepies. Your eye can dote upon the rural horizon very happily here for many hours as you wander the fields. Devon countryside gets many gold stars from me.

Along with being a potential pet-thief, my habit of picking fruit off trees and eating it red-handed has been ignited again. Brambles grow in abundance here and you can punctuate the country walks very nicely with berry feasting every few metres. Of course the walk takes a few hours longer and you end up with juicy red lips, but lally loves berries ;)
I've also been tucking in to public orchards in the village squares - there are little boxes where you can leave a donation. And so I have been sampling England's apple varieties very enthusiastically. Unfortunately - the apples aren't quite at their peak, and so I've had a few dodgy experiences with lemons masquerading as apples. But that's ok - there is nothing nothing nothing that beats fruit straight off a tree. Maybe I will become a fruitarian one day... (ha. whatever.)

Today we went into the Moorland, and wowsers what an experience. Wuthering Heights apparently got it right. What a setting for romance and drama... I'm sure the Ley lines and ancient spiritual histories in this area has much to do with the immense power of the land.
In New Zealand the gorse is a despised prickly weed - but once I saw the rolling Moor hills strewn with the sunny yellow flowers & interspersed with purple Heather, I could appreciate its prettiness in rightful context. I really like Heather - its is so delicate and hardy at the same time. Being able to see my my namesake in its natural environment gave me a new fondness for my middle name. I was really blown away by how starkly desolate the Moors are, and yet they are still so "nice". Very very different to Africa in so many ways; I'm finding the sights here so unusual to my norm. Everything is so green and civilised. Does that make sense? I feel very at peace here - unlike how Africa makes me feel invigorated with its wildness and sharp red tones. I've been thinking about ancestry, culture, belonging and where I fit into this world. I really want to visit Scotland one day and find out more about where my roots are in Europe, which is not something I ever felt was too important in the past and I was more than content to be a South African full-stop.

To counterbalance all this tree-hugging,country-wondering, spiritual-questioning stuff I'm doing, I have discovered tacky American TV shows. So - who has ever watched either 'Date My Mom' or 'Room Raiders'?
You get an extra 10 points if you've seen both!
My goodness - these shows are awesome in their sheer absurdity. I've been crashing out on the couch after long days of loving nature and devouring how terrible TV can be. These shows are about finding a date by taking out their mothers or sneaking around their rooms. You then have to choose your date based on how cool you think their mom is or if you didn't find anything too incriminating in their bedrooms. How ridiculous. It's so fantastic how people on these shows actually take themselves seriously. Its my dose of inane pop culture and I admit to becoming a bad TV junkie.

OK - that's my little update for now.
life is good. my theme song: "moving to the country gonna eat me alot of peaches".
rock on.

not so Little Britain

2006-08-14T21:37:00.000+12:00

its about time i posted something.
i don't feel bad about spending time infront of the computer because London's wonderful spell of hot sunny weather seems to have stopped for my arrival. So I'm avoiding the grey rain for a few hours.
Where to start????
Well - I've been emailing everyone little tidbits here and there - but I suppose my blog can be a space for more comprehensive overviews?
Having said that, I'm not very good at being systematic and ordered in my writing.
I'll try...

The rest of my time in Sydney was fabulous - beautiful friendships that endure time and I am a very very blessed person to have such wonderful people in my life. I am looking forward to being back there in December for Christi&Jack's wedding... I think seeing firsthand how much planning and organising a wedding involves has somewhat daunted me - I think I'll stick to being a bridesmaid and stick to my ideal of exhanging-rings-in-a-forest-barefoot-hippie-wedding when its my turn...
I had one minor drama on my last morning - in that I don't fit into the dress! **cringe**. I still stand by that it was a size 12 on the petite Asian woman scale ;)
So - I had to embrace the post-Heathrow-'terrorism' madness a day after the alleged explosives plot. It totally sucked and it was traumatically boring being stuck in sydney airport for 8 hours and not having any hand luggage to comfort me! But I don't really want to go into that because its over and blocked from memory...

And now - I'm in London!!!
I'm a bit overwhelmed methinks. Its a bustling place with lots of English people - 'nuff said?
So far I have:
-spent a morning exploring what it is like to be in the suburbs and enjoying the local burrough shops, cafe's and charity stores
-walked on the heath and admired the skyline
-met Ross and went to the Tate Brittania, sunday markets and been treated to a viewing of where the band and other kiwis are staying
-sat in a traditional pub (but i didn't have a pint...)
-caught the tube, the bus and wandered around
-been to Camden High street and said "No" to drugs
-had afternoon tea
-continued my amazing score of vegan delights (london is so catered with organic, fairtrade, vegan stuff - it's better than sydney! s'truth!)
Today is my second full day here - I'm really jetlagged but I think I'm doing pretty well considering. I braved the tube system on my own and live to tell of it. Connan and the Mockasins are doing really well and they have a few gigs while I'm here - *stoked*. Ross and I shared a coconut yesterday and the got caught in tropical downpour - it was so fun running through the streets in a sheet of rain and thunder and lightning - how unLondon! It's really wonderful being with Rachel again and seeing her world. It's really important to share in the foreign lives of your friends, even if briefly... (my little message for the day...)
Tomorrow we are going to Devon for a few days and I am going to walk in the Moors with some Wellies and enjoy the countryside...

In summary.
Sydney = 5 days of pure happiness and reigniting friendships
Sydney to Heathrow = chaos and confusion
London = lovely rachel, rain, adventures on public transport, awesome graffiti, kiwi musicians soon to be biggerthanfamous and lots and lots of tea and galleries.
Laura = tired, but feeling serendipitous

in vegan heaven

2006-08-08T20:15:00.000+12:00

My tummy has won the subject matter argument...
It is in bliss full of Sesame & Vanilla Fudge Tart. I have discovered a haven called "Iku Wholefoods" - which is entiely vegan and delicious.... Sydney seems to be full of vegan treats... Mmmyummy....
I'm having a great time. Apart from my stress at the airport when I didn't have a visa, and lost my wallet (frazzled!).
I since recovered from this chaos. Enough to lose my diary... But that too has been discovered at the Sydney State Theatre where I saw LadySmith Black Mambazo last night :) The concert was amazing and listening to isiZulu touched my heart.
I'm having a fantatsic time in good sydney sun, with a family I have adored since Christi and I were young 'uns.
The past few days have been soul food.
I'm drinking a Sauvignon Blanc from Malborough New Zealand and missing Wellington (but only a little - because my tummy says sydney is better!)
although - sydney doesn't have my friends... and not even Vegan cheesecake could keep me away from them for long....
We've been on the beach, taking long walks and catching up as best friends tend to do...
sending love and hugs...
xx

bye bye bye byehellogoodbyegirl

2006-08-06T11:36:00.000+12:00

plane.ing in the immediate future
it was a question of flying inside
the turbulence-clouds
and landing on some epiphanic run.way.
not running away
but leaning towards a foreign country in my mind.

a string of good.byes.
more like bad.byes.
not much good in snifflingtearykisses
and nuzzling so deep into a hug
that it sprains the ribs.

and finderskeepers jeepers creepers
i will be back
*calmer fitter happier*

keep in touch my lovelies
sien jou later skattebols
~lautjie~

I will name you Squishy & you will be mine & you will be my Squishy!

2006-07-27T23:19:00.000+12:00

i got sucked in by our broadband. Mo and I have a youtube.com addiction. Been gorging out on ask a ninja (askaninja.com)- been laughing so hard i cried. Ask a Ninja is possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I don't think I'm going to go to sleep - why would I, when I have youtube and ask a ninja...

2006-07-27T14:54:00.000+12:00

quite fond of this one...

2006-07-27T14:53:00.000+12:00

looking mischievous...

2006-07-27T14:52:00.000+12:00

8 days to go... making the most of wellington before i say 'sien jou'...

I am therefore I think

2006-07-24T08:45:00.000+12:00

Every Monday morning I endeavour to look at the updated Postsecret blog.
Sometimes I smile at a stranger's quirkiness...
Sometimes I feel like I could have written that exact secret...
Sometimes the secrets are so traumatic that I pray in my own way for the sender...
Sometimes I feel like I've found an anonymous sign that there are other people 'out there' like me...

Something I've noticed is the consistency of cards about suicide; and the links on the blog to Hopeline.

It's almost a year since I reached the worst point in my life and tried 3 times to end it. Obviously I didn't quite get there, and it's something I'm still angry about. 'Suicide's' aren't often too grateful when someone "saves" their lives - especially since sometimes it is only the motivation you have to die that inspires you to engage with the world... But I've come to acknowledge the gift I've received even if some days I wish I'd avoided rescue.
I have a nightmare at least once a week about waking up in ICU and I think about dying all the time. People stare at my wrists and ask stupid questions as if it isn't fucking obvious "what happened?"... To have third degree burns willingly inflicted twice on the same place was not exactly something I did for fun. I hate the way my answers to strangers' prying are never satisfactory so I've started telling stories that are more palatable. I don't want to cover myself up anymore - I have a permanent reminder on my body of survival through despair. I know I'm going overseas and "running away" - but i'd rather be running than giving up entirely.

I get surprised when I laugh and I mean it. I feel strange when something makes me happy - it is hard for me to recognise that sensation. Healing from suicide is like learning to tie emotional shoelaces. I feel like a backward child, rediscovering 'nice' things... I have a little notebook in which I write down experiences that made me feel good so that I can remind myself it is real and it is possible. Someone may read this and feel sorry for me, thinking 'how pathetic'... I'm so proud of myself for getting that far. I even live in a house with codeine in the cupboard and it isn't mine.

Earlier this year someone spent ages tracing the scars with their fingertips, and gently kissed every inch of them telling me I was one of the most beautiful creatures they'd ever seen.
One person's idea of beautiful is another person's definition of 'freak'.

I've been reading some academic papers on suicide as part of my 'recovery' process and this quote made me think:
"The cultural and social contexts of suicidology require more attention be given to the sickness of society rather than the current emphasis on it as a sickness of the individual". **

I wish it was this easy: If I could blame more of my unhappiness on factors outside me. I've had a hard enough time reintegrating myself even with friends and family because I did temporarily leave this world and touched the void. You can't come back from that as if it was a tropical holiday.
It's time to stop blaming.
Time to start living.

**http://www.jungcircle.com/DWebb.html

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

2006-07-21T18:50:00.000+12:00

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
-jeff buckley.

why don't i really believe in God these days? Is belief something i can string on a continuum?
today i slightly/possibly/subconsciously believe in God...
today i half believe in God.
I believe in God more when I see something profound in nature. And sitting in a catholic church, just listening, breathing in the reverence.
Is there a measurement for believing in God? I'd like to know just how much of a heretical heathen I've become.

.the eraser.

2006-07-20T23:09:00.000+12:00

Been listening to The Eraser for a week straight... It is oxygen to my current insomniac mind. **I've already googled radiohead's tour dates in Europe - I'm so going to see them, and it will be a dream come true....**
It's dawning on me how much I have to organise before leaving soon. I have to cull my daily existence into 20kgs and a backpack. My bose sterio cannot cavort around the world with me... Devastating, but true... But my longboard is going to travel gladly...
I want a bigger ipod...
I want a pink cloud to sleep in. I want my current nightmares to go away. I need sleep.
I wish I could erase 2004-5 in Wellington. I want a new beginning here that is entirely my own. Of course there are options - Jesus, self-help books, alpha mind games, voodoo dolls, exorcisms... I think I'll stick to wishing until such time as I know better where Laura begins and ends. Then, I think I could stand anywhere securely.
"But the more I try to Erase you, the more the more the more that you Appear
and its doing me in
doing me in doing me in doing me in"

-in the past 2 days around the city I have lost a beanie, a badge, an earring and a postcard. my subconscious dreamt up a delicious theory that I'm trying to establish myself in the lost and founds of Wellington. Whether these little pieces of me end up in a stranger's hands, a salvation army opshop, a curbside puddle is irrelevant... My possessions are like pollen -
-but... i almost cried when my badge fell. I realised a block later, i thought i'd heard something fall. I ran back to the bus stop & spent ages scouring the street - but someone must have picked it up... Whoever you are - please love that badge. I felt amazing when i wore it-

2006-07-20T16:34:00.000+12:00

Poetry may make us from time to time a little more aware of the deeper, unnamed feelings which form the substratum of our being, to which we rarely penetrate; for our lives are mostly a constant evasion of ourselves. -T. S. Eliot
I have developed a habit of watching people on the bus.
Composing elaborate histories and herstories
to match the idiosyncrasies they project...
like biographical ventriloquism
and morbid puppetry.
I feel quite guilty
although it is human nature to marvel and imagine -
my guilt stems from the sneaky feeling
that the unexpected affairs, the sobbing in the kitchen, the bruises under the suit
are the reality.
I applique strangers with wondrous fantasies and sudden epiphanies:
buttoning up their spines into coats of dreams.
Part of me wishes
that the hunched-over old dame
with the blue rinse and the leather gloves
is constructing
my dramatic reunion with my high school sweetheart
as I'm putting the final touches to
the moment she first sees her newborn grandson,
and recognises the lucid smile of her deceased husband.
The multiple identities of myself and the other bus-people
are keeping me sane at the moment.

Bus people
She has this secret.
It's not a dirty secret, or a shameful secret.
It is whimsical and feminine.
Qualities she tries to avoid and dilute
with her smudgy kohl eyes and baggy pants, hooded disguises.
She tries to appear jaded and bored
while she watches people.
But she is an amateur:
she hasn't yet noticed that I'm watching her watching,
and her eyelashes flutter under their mascaraed curtain
when she glimpses the possibility of 'Him'.
She's too expectant, too watchful...

I see her almost daily
for a brief journey our lives intersect and I study her acutely
-my little specimen of likeness-
she's caught up in the pretence of casual perusal
I'm perusing her, ready to feign ignorance if she catches me.
both pretending to look in alternate directions,
but her secret is so fertile
that its over-ripe-fruit smell
saturates the bus with it's come-hither stench.

My specimen secrets the desire
to meet a man.
Not any man.
The Man.
She'll know him, of course, when she sees The Man.
He will step on the bus, forthrightly, and stare down the aisle, confidently,
sniffing out the empty seat she always ensures is next to her.
He will pause sufficiently to notice This Woman,
appreciating how perfectly her messy make-up and her tousled hair
match the softness and fluidity of her face.
It is the visual dyslexia of That Woman
he has been waiting for.
He will immediately want to take her home
to rearrange her discordant imagery.
She will glance, not coyly - not casually, at his hands
to survey the length, shape and texture of his nails.
She will measure him by the layers of smoke and coffee
floating off his skin like mystic perfume.
He will be holding a book. His eyes will be tentatively aggressive in their hunger to hold her gaze. His voice will be soft spoken, but spiced...
He'll hold in the tremor to speak for a block or two – when on the verge of splinters,
He will stare her down as he says “I have known you my whole life”
and deftly hunt out her hands to temper the severity of such a bold statement.

She isn't much of a talker, This Woman.
But The Man will know already, intuiting her silence as acquiescence.
At the next stop they would be knot of gestures by the door, and step out into obscurity.
I won't be surprised when it all happens...
The romances of my secrets could be mistaken for hers...
Although the bus is all too public, far too easy...

and my secrets smell like the dusty cushions on your favourite couch.

.........for ro.........

2006-07-20T09:07:00.000+12:00

Hey Ro - I posted a comment after the last one you left on my blog asking for your email. With all my moves etc I changed to a gmail account and i don't have your contacts anymore...(lau.armstrong@...)
let's talk ok? miss you too... xx lu

scissors&paper: she is saved

2006-07-17T23:01:00.000+12:00

whitewhitepaper
write:Jesuslovesyou

fold
fold again

cut message up

-snow-
-flakes-

drop
*one *
by *
** one *
on **tongue*

words m e l t
meaning tasted

twirl round ... round
merry-merry go

child
in winterless faith

bridesmaid for hire?

2006-07-17T21:50:00.000+12:00

wow...
I'm going to be a bridesmaid twice in 2 months!!!!
I just had the amazing honour of being asked by Christi-Ann, undoubtedly my oldest friend...
Amazing...
guess I'll be flying in to Sydney earlier than expected!

HAVE SUITCASE. AM WILLING.

2006-07-11T19:03:00.000+12:00

so. i'm packing my bags and heading off overseas for a while.
i woke up feeling 'notquiteright'.
i think i came back to wellington too soon.
i quit my job today.
i need to go away. find my feet. learn to dance.

plan of action - a basic outline of some places I shall briefly be:
- european summer
- exploiting my english passport for all its worth
- visit rachel, joy, mieke, ross, lukas, alana, ben
- south africa in october for wedding
- sydney in december for christi-ann's wedding
- have new zealand summer '06 with manda and all the beauties here
- mexico and cuba with ruthie from january
- usa: hollywood with christy, wherever joseph is
- canada with shannon
- wherever else i can...

estimated date of departure: i'm aiming for early august
estimated return: december 2006. and then who knows once i leave again...

to the anonymous commenter who encouraged me to keep running because i 'always do'... what can i say except thanks for your support

"you are the only person
who’s completely certain
there’s nothing here to be into
that is all that you can do
you are a past sinner,
the last winner
and everything we've come to
makes you you
But you cannot safely say
while I will be away
you will not consider sadly
how you helped me to stray
you will not reach me
I am resenting a position
that's past resentment
now I can consider
now there is this distance so"
PDA, interpol

it came for blood

2006-07-08T23:14:00.000+12:00

keep sitting down to write something and then i erase it all... why am I so scared of my blog lately? thinking about just setting up my flickr site properly... I'm over words. i just. don't. have. much. to say. anymore. it seems.

2006-07-07T21:29:00.003+12:00

ninety mile beach

2006-07-07T21:29:00.002+12:00

northland...

2006-07-07T21:29:00.001+12:00

...

2006-07-07T21:29:00.000+12:00

more spiderwebs

2006-07-04T14:12:00.001+12:00

ice crystals

2006-07-04T14:12:00.000+12:00

spiders

different ghosts on different nights

2006-07-04T14:02:00.000+12:00

yeah. so. i've been avoiding putting up more personal things here - as in what, where, when things happen. I suppose the initial purpose of my blog was to keep my universal society informed, so I should be more functionally-minded.
Mum is here at the moment, we've been visiting family and go up to Northland (top of the island) this afternoon.
Now that I've sat down to write a detailed post, I don't actually want to. sorry.
I feel like writing a treatise on why I'd rather be a Green party politician (because I actually am the Female co-convener of the Wellington Province believe it or not) than a Christian.
I'm currently feeling mighty anxious that DJ Shadow hasn't confirmed his wellington gig, especially after Tosca failed to grace us with their presence. Auckland seems really appealing in terms of weather, gigs etc. But i'm not really that shallow...
Besides, I just have to make it to october and I'll be in sunny south africa again...
Other than feeling dominantly cold, my current verb is "to miss"... I miss Mieke, Shannon and Joy - Welly just isn't the same without my girls...
And then when I start missing just a few people, I start missing my homegrown friends and my heart heads downhill for a while...I can't wait a few months to see them again. Yes - its a rather draining state of mind, when I can't see the forest for the trees.
once again this has become an obscure, rather pointless post. Maybe the North shall inspire me...

i cut off my face to spite my nose

2006-07-03T15:38:00.000+12:00

i spilt the milk
but
i cried wolf over it.
My actions boldly proclaimed,
what the words could only mime.

Your absence fondly grew on my heart
as I grew familiar
with holding you in contempt.
I love having Misery for company
she reminds me to
keep weeping
until i find what I lost.

i had 2 dead stones
in my hand
and one bird
(alive)
in the bush.

i rode the horse to the well
and led venture to the gains.
I drank my fill, but i did not over runneth.
The deep water seemed still,
in its thickness of blood.

i left the hatchlings uncounted
in their flocks of togetherness.
the pearls cast glass at the swine's stone houses.

i felt safe, but i was still sorry.
i was late, but i was never better.
Easy came
and Easy went
to the greener grass
on my side of the fence.

i chose to beg
for a beauty deeper than skin.
I confused the glitter for the gold.
I would rather be wanted
than wasted.
For when everything is in its place
I find that a thousand words
aren't actually worth the picture.

i mended it late, too late...
the bygone had gone by.
I learnt to live
by crossing bridges as i came to them
and eating cake when i had some.

He was out of my mind
when he was out of my sight
but i believed when i saw him
that an eye for an eye
won't make a right.

time might heal my wounds
if the tide would wait for me.
for it will be, what will be...
I may have preferred the fiction to the truth,
and taken the sweet unto the bitter.
I am human in my erring -
I shall leave the Divine to forgive.

When i bite
you'd wish I had merely barked.
For I am ever the shyness,
victim of the burning.
All didn't end well:
though the war was fair,
I questioned the loving.

2006-06-30T17:44:00.000+12:00

i don't accept your apology

authenticity of the gaze

2006-06-29T15:07:00.000+12:00

pictures surfaced, and they made me think about how intense things were with my 'relationships' with people in south africa. I think Paddy's description of me as a "beautiful personal disaster magnet" is very apt in this sense - i am an author and collector of chaos after all. The photos (below) of me are very interesting - but as Rachel wisely says: "beware, photos can lie. they only show what I think happened, not prove it did. it's all about interpretation, yours and mine, and that gulf can be an ocean".
Who knows, even us? What was happening in and around every one of these still frames? All I can say is that I see volumes of poetry and lyrics behind her brown eyes and blonde hair - the face behind the camera which you can't see. A picture is the ultimate evocateur... In a flurry of being so glad Simon wasn't shot when he was hijacked I went back to peruse photos of us, and its amazing how emotive images can be and how they can make you want to run into someone's arms and gush "we were so happy that afternoon, what went wrong?!!?". No matter how many people I fall for (how else can i say that?), I never want to stop looking at photos of times past and being grateful for that feeling whatever it was... I don't know anyone who's pulled out a camera at the precise moment a romance ends - i wonder what that would look like and what feelings it would prompt... It's rather daunting to realise my albums are catalogues of captured kisses and unseen goodbyes - documents of 'coming to terms' with this thing called love/committment and the people who teach me these lessons.
i think i look more real when someone who thought they loved me was behind the lens...

2006-06-29T15:04:00.002+12:00

morning light she called it...

2006-06-29T15:04:00.001+12:00

how did those get there????

2006-06-29T15:04:00.000+12:00

in kirstenbosch. i'm brown and my hair is long... i look so different now, sniff...

2006-06-29T15:03:00.000+12:00

my last day trip with rachel

2006-06-29T12:37:00.000+12:00

reading concurrently:
1. the devil's cup: history of coffee, trade and colonisation. a bemusing hypothesis that coffee is a functionary of war, breeds revolutionaries, and generally results in brilliance or violence.
2. guns, germs and steel: 10 000 years of human history. seeks to disprove racial theories of civilisation (i.e: white folks are superior because we've used technology to fuck up the planet and pillage other cultures) and reconceptualise technological developments in purely environmental factors. In fact, this book states that white people have lower intelligence levels than other ethnic groups (but what is intelligence anyway? IQ is such an objective concept of limited application)
*note: white people cannot take any glory for discovering coffee, but i'm pretty certain the industrial revolution had something to do with that heinous posion called 'instant'...

listening to: "i'll believe in anything" by wolf parade interspersed with the rest of the album and some boards of canada as a condiment...
I said nobody knows you and
Nobody gives a damn
And I could take another hit for you
And I could take away the trips from you
And I could take away the salt from your eyes
Take away skin and salt in you
And I could give you my apologies
By handing over my neologies
And I could take away your shaky knees
And I could give you all the olive trees
And look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

So give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood, your bones, your voice, and your ghost
We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pulled the tricks out of our sleeves
But I'll believe in anything and
You'll believe in anything

thinking about: mutually exchanged pity between christians and "backsliders". what a pantomime of subtly degrading looks. foul play on both sides really...
waiting for: summer... 10th of juy when I'm a working woman again...
saving for: a bigger ipod goddammit...
looking at: the tui in my backyard....
wishing: mostyn would come home...

mourning: reading about people i deeply care about getting hijacked. getting emails about people shot in the head in johannesburg...

a poem for today:
i am the unplanned survivor of murder at my own hands
someone i love, yes i do, survived an execution for his car, his wallet, his watch...
Death in these two versions wears a different face,
yet both stories would be introduced with something like
"a tragic loss"
or "untimely passing"
one would be personal
one would be political
Death would die with me
Death in South Africa roams the streets

2006-06-26T10:17:00.000+12:00

my dropfuckingdeadgorgeous sector9... Just for Mike I'm going to make lots and lots of blood monsters on the pavement and slide the hills

2006-06-25T20:35:00.002+12:00

waterfalls and maples

2006-06-25T20:35:00.001+12:00

amanda & i leave footprints in the sand

2006-06-25T20:35:00.000+12:00

2006-06-25T20:34:00.000+12:00

ocean beach

casualties of the ex

2006-06-22T20:42:00.000+12:00

I am an armed philosopher:
A violent pacifist in our mock-battle.
Sharpening my wits, filing my incisors -
(weaponry to eat you alive)-
because we have wordless wars
passing one another on the street.

The feigned ignorance is a nuclear fall out.
I am a bullet hole in the wall.
I am lodged precisley where you head should have been
when hearts were broken.
the plural is mine.

Swallowing spent cartridges like pills with wine,
it can't kill me this time.
Nor can you hide behind glass in cafes.
I would crack windows with banshee wails,
but you strategised well
and cut out my tongue
during our last kiss.

Intelligence could not decipher the
coded look you issued;
death or surrender?
for you or for me?

In my morse-beaten heart,
your eyes said:
"i will tear
off
your face
and wear it
while i rape you".

2006-06-22T20:15:00.000+12:00

...

2006-06-22T20:14:00.000+12:00

in the botanical gardens

2006-06-22T09:32:00.001+12:00

me and simba last night - i've missed her so much...

2006-06-22T09:32:00.000+12:00

yes. cut my hair off...

2006-06-22T09:31:00.002+12:00

ross' last gig. lots of beer was in attendance

2006-06-22T09:31:00.001+12:00

...

2006-06-22T09:31:00.000+12:00

...

2006-06-22T09:30:00.001+12:00

2006-06-22T09:30:00.000+12:00

laura lillies which will always remind me of alana and her nickname for me

subterranean homesick blues

2006-05-31T16:14:00.000+12:00

hey hey. sorr-e i be so bad @ mail/blog. me have no internet/phone @new house.
yes - new house. its wonderful,lovely,fantiddlyastics. Moving in has kept me bus-e.
news news:
so: hot new house, new job in town 3 days a week... Ross is gone and the city feels quite weird. Had a run of late nights until he left, only People's coffee kept me going until the sad goodbye. Aaargh, Newtown misses you Rossalicious.
Speaking of coffee, I've now done my barista training - and have a caffeine date this weekend at a conference for the Green party, so I'll be making soy lattes for all the dreaded hippie political types ;) Not sure what I'll do with my little qualification, but i can make a dame fine cuppa now...
I'm on ruthie's computer - i love the fact that our little neighbourhood is a community of friends all potted around the block. As soon as I can I'll post some more photos, got so many...
Life is a'righty aye. Sorry I've been distant, it will change. Pse don't fret if you don't hear from me - we should get a phone this week.
Its cold. I miss south africa this week. Monster, Anja, Rach, P, Raj, Niknak, Foxi, Star: you guys keep me warm at heart xxx
xxxxxxxxxxxx much love xxxxxxxxxx

2006-05-18T19:48:00.000+12:00

...

2006-05-18T19:43:00.001+12:00

telling the time

2006-05-18T19:43:00.000+12:00

making wishes

2006-05-17T12:10:00.001+12:00

i just liked this

2006-05-17T12:10:00.000+12:00

the happy smiling Mostyn Cole (note the running shoes and the longboard)

2006-05-17T12:09:00.001+12:00

the room soon to be filled with all my stuff

2006-05-17T12:09:00.000+12:00

the random window leading to our back yard. i think the quirkyness of the house really sold me

....moving right along....

2006-05-17T12:05:00.000+12:00

we got the flat! moving in next week. i'm so stoked, everything is just perfect:
-living in the coolest block of wellington, because it is highly populated by some of my favourite people ever
- i can have green tea lattes at pranah whenever i want, and coffee at Peoples
- i get to live with lovely mostyn, and this means our training for the half marathon will be alot harder to bunk
- will have a piano in our lounge
-we've got a beautiful little garden so i can get mud under my fingers
- pressed ceilings, wooden floors, roses in the hedge

too many reasons...
I was celebrating last night with espresso martini's Ross expertly made despite a lack of cocktail apparatus, we drank them out of Amanda's crystal sherry glasses. Life is good to me.
smiling girl.

2006-05-15T23:02:00.000+12:00

so. In response to a comment that my blog seems less 'personal' lately I decided to fill you in on details. Do details make a difference? Decide for your selves...

I am: eating an avocado with a teaspoon
Today I have been: applying for a job, at the libary, drinking rooibos tea in an antique teacup, hanging with Ross and the Colombo Street gang (a wonderful bunch i do say)
My current book is: 'Of Love and Other Demons' by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
I have found: a very cool Chilean restaurant, where I ate a vegan taco which was so yummy that for most of the meal Ross and I discussed how good the meal was. (for fellow wellingtonians, it is on riddiford street)
I am listening to: Hail to the Thief, Radiohead. Interpol, Feist, Bonny Prince Billy and Queens of the Stone Age.
The best thing I did today: was having such a hysterical giggle fit that I had to pass the phone to amanda to continue a call I began with Mostyn, but ended up being a laughing maniac (I still don't know why...). I love giggling fits, I always feel so good afterwards.
On my mind?: american politics, the wombles, my addictive personality
Good news: moving into new flat on saturday most probably
Bad news for Aotearoa: Ross leaves in 2 weeks
Good news for Europe: Connan and Mockasins begin their internationally astounding career. who doesn't know these guys? go to www.myspace.com/connanandthemockasins or www.connanandthemockasins.com
I feel: like coffee at Melissa's with NikNak
I want: a sector 9 board designed by Esao
I can't: get everything I want
I wish: i could have a big dinner party and fly out all my friends from across the world.
I wish: i could afford to have my arm fully sleeved in my swallow designs
I wish: I could go swimming at Camps Bay right now (damn you Paddy for putting the idea in my mind)
I wish: I had more humane and altruistic wishes about world peace and stopping injustice. But I don't. I want my friends, and my tattoos and warm sunny beaches.
I regret: not wearing wooly socks into town today (i have cold wet toes)
I laughed at: a very cool stencil of a cowboy on a stop sign
My soul smiled at: a little girl in a library sitting on her mum's lap listening to Winnie the Pooh in story-time

ok. enough.
happy? good. sleep tight world.

Lee Lee Lee

2006-05-14T23:06:00.000+12:00

Hello Mr Graffiti Arteest
heard you did pretty well, 2nd or 3rd?
Congratulations. I'm going to Auckland to see Write for Gold on 27May hopefully.

write to me.
Or I'll never let you eat that sushi off the inside of my stomach. Or I'll use all the dark arts of the feminine evil, and you shall rue the day you ever met me (but I think you already do.)
And you need to tell me who 'a beautiful mind' is by, so i can listen to it.
And...And...And...please just let me know you are. that you simply are. I have photos - I know you happened.
many thankyous - laurA

peace convention

2006-05-14T17:13:00.000+12:00

alo.
I went to a convention this weekend on nuclear disarmament and threats to peace. It was really amazing and I heard alot of things that shocked me, inspired me and challenged me. I need some time to reflect and do some research on some topics - but i intend to write a summary and share some of my learnings (I really did say 'some' four times in that sentence). I'm really encouraged to take a more serious stance on my agency as a citizen and actively exercise the role I can play in major global decisions by our states. Amanda and I were both really touched by this weekend, i was a bit sad to see how many empty seats there were at the conference - so I'm really going to make a comprehensive effort to place some sort of representation into my little global community :)
So - a big tree hug from me... In the meantime, feel free to spend some time perusing http://www.peace.org.nz/. Your soul will thank you, trust me...

oh oh - i think Mostyn and I found a flat in newtown- yay!
And mum's are special - every single day of the year
xx

2006-05-14T09:35:00.000+12:00

carnival of meat
lechery parades, the street,
boys swerve:staying a float on their feet
swaying chess pieces to a jarring beat.

blind busker singing songs to Jesus
endless hoardes of city drones peel out of a bus
all of them chorus "save us please us save us please us"
heathens dressed as holy divas...

a drunk man mocks the dark-eyed musician
swearing and gesticulating his cold-heart disposition -
his soul full of bilious indigestion
i would pluck out his eyes, unphysician.

teenage whores string themselves on abbatoir hooks
butchers carve them up with innuendo looks
you can't learn that seduction from books
reading is for sluts who can cook

that satin miniskirt is a deathwish not a dress little girl
who are you trying to fool?
your unmaternal breasts drip no milken pearls
wait until you are a woman before you try conquer this twisted world

a safe haven: jerking body's and a rythym that grips your limbs
drumming out the animal whims
fires and dancers and smoke circling in
laughter and solidarity chant away the grim

striding through the wind, avoiding vomit on the ground
a pack of scavengers hunt around
they growl with sick amusement at what they've found:
a woman, in real clothes, sober, homebound

"a dyke", "a loser": my identity becomes their game, their prey
sticks and stones, they aim to hurt in what they say
slurred insults flow, impotent bullets fired my way
his insecurity is more pitiful than the egotistical games he plays

who in their right minds would avoid the carnival's death spire
i walk in the opposite direction to the pyre
and the freaks climb out of their posionous myres
trying to pull me back in to their drunken lair.

I went into the city at about 10.30pm. Drunk teenagers, drunk men, drunk street posts. Liquor flowed and the worst of humanity pours out. I found some relief amongst people at a fullmoon drumming circle - the kindof people main stream society would give strange and judgemental looks. When i reflect on the depravity i saw it really gets me down. I had the blessing to be sworn at and insulted. I'm not sure what i did wrong except walk past some guys in jeans and a jacket and a hat - apparently i must have baited their homphobic, macho instincts. I probably deserved it - afetr all, i wasn't brandishing any cleavage or thigh. Its not my fault, it's winter...

2006-05-13T21:16:00.000+12:00

can you smell her when she isn't there
do you have to look twice at a stranger in the distance
that moves like her, slinks across the pavement like her,
eyes straight-low at the road when she walks
do you search out the laughter resounding in crowds
only to trace it down to a girl nothing like her
her scent and her giggle and her silhouette
will not add up to the real thing
nor the photos on your wall
or the letters you keep under your pillow
but somewhere
she is out there
turning to stare at the back of people's heads
when they pass her
and she thinks
she saw
you.
maybe?
she'll call you
and listen to your personalised 'hello'
just to check you exist
and that you are where you say
you are.
because sometimes
we could swear to eachother
that we never happened.
but for the evidence,
and the way we seek one another out despite
the reality that we live on different lands.

what the news says

2006-05-13T17:31:00.000+12:00

the sports pages have a picture of Shane Warne in a threesome with famous models.
the classifieds give the numbers of girls who will strip, want to hire girls in less.
the editorial questions the relevance of mother's day in modern society.
the front page has a picture of a rapist.
i can't even look at the televesion list anymore because I don't give a fuck who America's next top model is.

I give up on reading.
I go to a conference on Peace and Disarmament.
The Mayor of Hiroshima talks about a world without fighting.
Talks about a country who want to set free doves, instead of clawing for revenge.
Speakers lists statistics of deaths, bullets, laws and the names of modern caesars.
The plutonium in the ground should stay buried - but apparently the world needs more nuclear missiles on the market.
Aboriginal children in Australia have biohazard waste in their lands;
you can play in radioactive sludge, but it isn't much fun.
The black fella's only recently became recognised as people instead of indigenous "flora and fauna".

And I'm a white girl in a country not my own
listening to the amabassador of Brazil talk about weapons of mass destruction.
Over tea we huddle in groups and talk about landmines, small arms, terrorism and the weather.
I'm having lunch with a politician in the Green Party and a girl from Russia who wants to be a Diplomat.
And I wonder how I ended up here and what i have to say...

i walk away slightly bewildered, inspired to beleive in change and my role therein.
Watching the sun set over the city from the couch,
i open up the paper again.
There are advertisments on every second page.
The world is on the brink of death by nuclear war, starvation, pollution, racism and poverty.
But that's all ok dearies
because I can buy my mum a blender, or pink slippers or a bathroom scale
which communicate I love you when you cook for me and comply to stereotype and keep thin.

And somewhere out there another child dies in Cambodia, another man loses his legs walking near his home in Afghanistan, another woman in South Africa is beaten to a quivering heap.
But that's all ok sweeties
it wasn't in the paper.

2006-05-12T23:25:00.000+12:00

bollywood party. i know i'm 23 now, but the little girl in me still likes dress-ups. i had curry on my face ;) so unfortunately this close up is all that you shall see guys... unless i figure out how to edit photos?

2006-05-07T21:31:00.000+12:00

wellington coastline

2006-05-07T21:30:00.000+12:00

sleeping beauty on a sunday morning

you're a woman now baby girl

2006-05-07T00:15:00.000+12:00

little things where i notice how much i need you:
trying to sew
i couldn't thread the needles.
i tried and tried to recall
all those times you showed me.
Eventually i did it,
but i only managed in your memory,
and then i realised i couldn't spool the cotton.
I set up your machine with the hope of making you proud:
"look mama, i done made it my own"...

All that fabric, and a night's worth of pinning a skirt,
and it is crumpled left on the floor
where it landed, when i threw it down.

just a minor incident,
small enough to make me desperate,
large enough to make me cry.
its just a skirt.
I am just a daughter
who cannot sew.
With no mommy here to teach me.

2006-05-06T19:36:00.000+12:00

back to portraiture.

2006-05-06T19:23:00.000+12:00

support antinarcotic
alternative development programmes.
don't sniff that powder.
Rolled up dollars can buy Bolivian pineapples.
Your local supermarket
doesn't stock those?
funny that.
globalisation's a bitch that way...
I can find drugs from the north, east, south, west on my corner.
But those Peruvian bananas
seem harder to come by.

Saw The Real Thing at the Human Rights Film Festival last night. I wrote thise during the movie in my diary. My own 2 cents worth of social commentary. God Bless USAid and their grand plans to save the world with alternative crop strategies.

un.rav.e.l.in.g

2006-05-06T19:14:00.000+12:00

i could crochet flowers
but i'd rather
sew wings onto ravens.

it requires delicacy.
these birds are alive and wounded.

one must match the thread
to the feather
to the flesh.

the sharper the needle,
the finer the seam.
To withstand the velocity of flight
a raven's hem
should be double-stitched.

bind beaks and legs,
cauterise the pins,
the bird shall fight tailoring
but do not let it win.

Keep the window open.
Let it fly away,
with its bandages and threads
fresh from the scissors,
unravelling the skies.

Laura gets cynical. shock horror.

2006-05-04T13:12:00.000+12:00

You mean the band who paid Kate Moss to swing her ribs around a pole in a black bikini? Yes. I'll take two cd's then please.
I only watch music videos on tv now. I can't handle the subliminal advertising in soapies.
I'll have a Pepsi please. Britney doesn't drink coke.
Its unfortunate how some family in South America got killed for their coca crop. I don't really see what that's got to do with me and this mirror in this designer loft... How about I just do a few lines tonight and ease your conscience.
I hear poppy fields are pretty, got any needles?
It's ok I promise. America declared war over there. I might as well contribute to their opiate exports when the poor fuckers are getting bombed anyway.
I would call that an act of economic altruism wouldn't you?
I would discuss the World Bank with you. But I need a fix. Maybe later.
Fair trade coffee please. Decaf. Skim Milk. No sugar. I'm detoxing my soul.
Won't you pass me that lighter, it's time for another fag.
Excuse me. I didn't mean to insult you. I completely support your choices, besides, being gay is so hot right now.
I've been thinking about becoming lesbian after watching this film the other day. It won some oscars, what was it called again?
Totally. I agree. Age restrictions are for those conservative types. All those pregancy, HIV, whatever statistics are just a conspiracy to keep us down.
No thanks. I prefer not to swallow. It's safer.
Me too. I only get drunk on weekends, except for when I shag my boss.
The morality of it never occurred to me. I know he's married, but I need a raise.
I suppose prostitutes also fuck people for money. But I've got standards. It's different.
Anyway. This is all getting a bit, um, serious, isn't it...
Yes. So. Did you read in the paper today how Tom Cruise said he wanted Katie called 'Kate' in future. Apparently now that she's a child bearing woman he doesn't want her reffered to by that girly name anymore. There was a photo of him. He's still fine for an old guy.
hey...Why don't we all change our names. Start a new, like, trend.
It will be fun. And all the kids in their skinny-cut black jeans will worship us and cut their hair like us and talk like us and breathe like us and stop thinking like us.
Or wait, I think I just had to think to come up with a new trend thing.
oh fuck. there goes that plan.

one shot mistress

2006-05-03T08:42:00.000+12:00

there ain't no such forever
just more and more bits of now.now,now.
cumulative degradations in immediacy.

I'm a 1..shot.honey.
7everal moment7
I have my full
leave you
labelled as I see fit.

no promises. no time.
limits.
on love & its hunger.
it could devour you
in one m1nute.
(and i'm not a lady who picks carcasses).
So feast on the feist
quuckliy, quickkly,qiukcyl.

seconds will determine
ayes/ano.
leaver her alone
or take her home.
4 step dance:
-pass a stranger
-wake up lovers
-play-play haters
-back to being strangers.

if you fall for a man
make the descent count
like numbers
against a tick-tock-tickle tide.

2006-05-03T08:37:00.001+12:00

the city is burning.

2006-05-03T08:37:00.000+12:00

for commissions contact mike. my skirt, my badge, my arm, my guy.

2006-05-03T08:36:00.000+12:00

new zealand countryside. taken from car at high speed...

look at me look at me

2006-04-23T18:40:00.000+12:00

so - i just posted like 40 something photos.
you can visually watch my descent into drunken giggles on my last few nights - my plane trip and my adventures in ak and welly...
I'm doing alright guys - its been great having so many beautiful friends around. I've been out almost every night since i got back. This last weekend had me at some wicked punk and indie gigs. Went to stonehenge today - its so amazing out there, the clouds were just stunning.
anyhoo - hope you enjoyed the piccies. xxlulu

2006-04-23T18:35:00.000+12:00

...

2006-04-23T18:34:00.001+12:00

wow more

2006-04-23T18:34:00.000+12:00

wow

2006-04-23T18:32:00.000+12:00

from stonehenge aotearoa

2006-04-23T18:31:00.000+12:00

my beauty returned to me - we've been inseperable since....

2006-04-23T18:30:00.000+12:00

hello - i'm jetlagged and i can't sleep...

2006-04-23T18:29:00.002+12:00

dusk sets and laura is exploring her old turf...

2006-04-23T18:29:00.001+12:00

hey lady...

2006-04-23T18:29:00.000+12:00

i'm so arty - its like a reflection in a reflection in a reflection. damn, so hot right now...

2006-04-23T18:28:00.001+12:00

too cool for school i reckon

2006-04-23T18:28:00.000+12:00

isn't it beautiful - mmmmmmm, beeeer,,, nectar of bliss...

2006-04-23T18:27:00.001+12:00

with joyful - return of the cabbage.... grrrr

2006-04-23T18:27:00.000+12:00

kane and a brew - nice one bruv

2006-04-23T18:26:00.002+12:00

awaiting sigur ros

2006-04-23T18:26:00.001+12:00

yes, i am the younger, immature cousin...

2006-04-23T18:26:00.000+12:00

i love you auckland!!!!!!!

2006-04-23T18:25:00.001+12:00

bees taking off in singapore airport

2006-04-23T18:25:00.000+12:00

i'm on a plain - k.c.

2006-04-23T18:12:00.000+12:00

lee wouldn't pose - this looks similar to him ;)